Just today, I kid you not, I realized the purpose of the duct tape in all those NOH8 Campaign photos. It should be intuitively obvious, I suppose: we can be full members of society if we keep our mouths shut and pretend we’re something we’re not. But for some reason–perhaps it’s because straight people pose for those ads, too–I never made the connection till today.

(Sssshhh! Don’t tell anyone, but apparently I’m a little slow on the uptake.)

Earlier this week, I was chatting with some people, and the topic of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell came up. I’ve been fortunate to find a great group of progressive-minded people here in this corner of the Bible Belt, so it was no surprise that the tone of the conversation was one of humor and bemusement. Now that even the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff has said that DADT is just plain wrong, it’s fairly safe to treat the topic as a big, puzzling joke.

But then someone new joined us. With a troubled expression, he explained that he didn’t understand what all the fuss was about. If a gay person wants to serve in the military, this fellow said, that’s fine, right? As long as he keeps his mouth shut?

A bunch of us tried to explain how that’s right but also so very wrong. But I don’t think we really succeeded: his final pronouncement on the matter was that he didn’t know if repealing DADT was such a good idea.

(Sssshhhh! Don’t tell, but I was really pissed.)

Meanwhile, I’ve been trying to follow the Prop 8 trial, and among other excellent little tidbits of bigotry, there was a reminder that some African-Americans object to the idea that gay rights are civil rights. The reasoning is that gay people wouldn’t be denied their rights if they just shut their mouths about being gay.*

(Sssssssshhhhhhhh! Don’t tell, but that really rubs me the wrong way.)

We can get married–if we pretend to be straight and marry someone of the opposite sex. We can serve in the military–if we don’t tell anyone who we really are.

I wonder, is it really so difficult to understand why this rankles?

A certain type of person would, I suppose, say that it should rankle, because it speaks to an eternal and unpleasant truth that we’re unrepentant, black-hearted sinners bound for hell. To that kind of person I would say, first of all, John 8:7–read it, know it, live it.

But more to the point, I would say that our nation is peopled by devotees of all sorts of religions and creeds. We do not allow Scientologists to serve in the military only on the condition that they keep quiet about thetans.** We do not marry atheist couples only after they take some sort of oath of fealty to Jesus. No matter how deeply some of us may yearn for the state to impose some kind of religious and moral hegemony over us all,† we don’t do that here. It’s not how we roll.

Besides, being gay isn’t a choice anyway. That’s just a longstanding talking point of homophobes. It’s asshattery, plain and simple.

(Ssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhh! Don’t tell anyone, but I’m really pretty damn sick of it.)

* Here’s an exemplary little nugget of hate: “To compare civil rights with gay rights is to compare my skin with their sin.” This was said by a pastor named Dwight McKissic at a rally against marriage equality in Texas. I found it on a site that features “news with a Christian perspective” and scrupulously puts the word “marriage” in quotes whenever it applies to gay people. I think I’ll refrain from linking to it, if you don’t mind.

** Granted, many of us would be happy if they did.

† While, of course, insisting that government be small, small, small, tiny, small. But never mind.